Chapter 1. School and Divorce
I started this blog because I have a story to tell, a story I have told to a small few and used to inspire and motivate them, but why should it stop there? Why shouldn't everyone hear this?
It used to be hard to talk about, I was full of pain and heartache, not because someone hurt me but because I hurt myself, I damaged my mental health and allowed myself to worsen because I didn't know how to speak up, what I did know was how to smile and put on a brave face. I also knew how to help others, so rather then helping myself I helped everyone else and that made me feel better until the end of each day where I would lay staring up at the ceiling wondering if that was my life now, and if it was why would I bother living it? When I woke up each morning I realised I wasn't happy but each day I would somehow convince myself that I could just push through another day. What I didn't realise at this point was how strong I was and how hard I would be willing to work to change my life if I had of just given myself the chance.
Instead of taking one of the many chances I had, I let it spiral out of control in 2013, I hit my absolute lowest, I had recently completed my Year 12 Certificate, (only just) lucky for me I had an incredibly passionate year coordinator who pulled some strings and passed me in light of my parents recent divorce that landed me an impressive 10% attendance rate(oops). I did love school and when I was there I worked hard but for the most part, I did struggle to leave my bed most days.
Touching base on my parents divorce, possibly the highlight of my teen years and that is not a joke! At the time, I certainly would have not described it as a highlight. My home life was pretty bloody amazing, I grew up in an amazing home, however in 2003 the Canberra Fires hit, this was a heart wrenching time, in light of this event our family home eventually was renovated and turned into a big, happy, modern, country style oasis, we had beautifully landscaped gardens as my mum was a landscape designer and my dad an incredibly hard worker, I loved my house and I was proud of it.
As my brother, Lach and I grew older it was time to move on to a bigger house, Mum and Dad purchased a huge four level split house, although it wasn't shiny and modern it had everything... a granny flat, a pool room, a movie room, two huge living areas with amazing views, three bathrooms and a separate toilet, a spa bath, a garden and so much more, there were big plans made for this house, however mum and dads marriage had other plans.
Their marriage broke down over many years but hats off to both of my parents who continually made my up bringing the best it could possibly be without me noticing the space in their relationship. During the divorce was hard, my mum moved and there were times I questioned whether she was asleep in a bed or in her car, I missed those family holidays that would never be again, I wondered what it would be like to see my parents with other people and it made me sick, my thoughts drowned me and my heart constantly hurt but that only lasted about a year. Both of my parents picked up and kept going with life, even though they were no longer together they made the strongest team and constantly made me feel supported and loved. That is when I realised my parents were not meant to be together, they were happier apart, they changed, they grew into themselves and they met amazing new life partners both whom I love very much and to this day I firmly believe every decision made throughout that journey was the right one, yes it was a wave of emotions but the best thing you can do it just ride it out.
Chapter 2. Work Life
Back to 2013, finishing school(just), divorced parents, moved houses again, and settling back in... that was my problem. I settled, I relaxed because after a whirlwind year I finally appreciated where I was, so I stopped and stayed there, I forgot that to progress you have to keep working, instead I got comfortable.
At the start of 2013, I moved in with my boyfriend and his brother and enrolled into CIT. I completed my Advanced Diploma in Event Management later that year and applied for a few jobs, none of which were successful. Ouch, that hurt.
Why wasn't I good enough?
The answer is because I wasn't hungry, I wasn't determined, I wanted it to fall into my lap because I was playing the victim and I was self entitled. How many 17 year olds moved out of home and had
divorced parents? I thought I was the only one so I used that card and allowed myself to become depressed. The truth is it wasn't uncommon and every situation is what you make of it.
I sat at home and let my thoughts eat me alive, I thought I wasn't good enough so I didn't apply for any jobs, I didn't like my body so I gave up and ate everything, I was in constant pain because I had endometriosis so I didn't exercise. I allowed my life to become hard. I was depressed and had severe anxiety, eventually when I had family members encouraging and at times pressuring me to get help and get a job because my boyfriend couldn't keep paying my way, I did something.
I wrote my resume and I applied for 150+ jobs, I had two anxiety attacks on over the phone interviews, I missed out on many interviews because I would cancel them after letting anxiety get the better of me. One day, I came across a job from the real estate I was currently renting with, I applied and decided to email my property manager because I had a good relationship with her. She emailed back instantly and asked me to go in for an interview the next day, I was on a high. My boyfriend let me drive his nice new Subaru to the interview, I was dressed nicely, it was a nice day, I knew exactly where to park and how long it would take me to walk there so I was feeling good, I got to the interview and this little power lady inside of me came out and aced the interview, this little person I didn't realise I had inside me was on fire so I doused her and blew her up ten fold.
I got the job and worked there for just under 3 years, I loved it and I was good at it. During my time at this job, my amazing mother made the move to France with her now husband, I was so proud of her for making this step as it was time for her to live her life. An incredibly hard process and an emotional battle I constantly fight, in saying that it is something I look up to her for doing, I think more people should take more brave steps like this.
I also got engaged, we were in the Swiss Alps and had the most amazing backdrop standing on top of of the Schilthorn. This was one of the happiest moments of my life, I was happy and content.
By the end of this job, the business had gone into liquidation because unfortunately my boss was a terrible businessman and made some poor choices. That was ok, I would apply for two more jobs, I got both and had to choose between one, at this stage in my life I was happy, independent and successful. I moved onto the next job, I worked here for over two years, the first year was a breeze, the work was hard and I had a lot of responsibility but I love working so that was ok, until I let it take over my life. I was checking and responding to emails through the night and on the weekend, I would miss out on activities because I preferred to stay home and keep on top of work so it wasn't stressful during the week. Unfortunately my boss could see this quality in me and kept the work coming, I didn't know how to say no so I would just make the time for it, even though this meant substituting my family and rest time.
Eventually the anxiety was back, I realised how much I resented my job and because I had let it take over my entire life, I resented my life. Over 8 months, I knew how unhappy I was and I thought quitting would make it all better, I tried to quit my job, but my boss was very good at talking me out of it, a compliment I guess. Eventually I broke down, I sat at my desk with my face in my hands, crying uncontrollably crying, I was shaking and I couldn't get a word out. One of the ladies I worked with, picked me up and walked me into my bosses office, she said to him "You need to see what this place is doing to this girl", he just sat there staring at me, he didn't know what to do. The only words I could get out were "please just let me go".
Eventually when I got myself together, went for a walk, had a drink and took some breaths I went back into his office and said I have had enough and I need to quit, he accepted but asked that I stay on until a replacement was found, I agreed. Three months later, someone was found. It was a hard three months but I found an "out" in Horse Riding, the next chapter of my life.
Chapter 3. Riding and Resting
When I was young every year for my birthday I would ask for a trail ride so when my Fiances mum bought I farm I decided to get back into riding. At the time, I was incredibly unhappy as I was still working in real estate, however with riding I found a release. It made me realise how good it is for your health to move and try new things especially with a 450kg animal.
Eventually I rode so often that I bought a horse, and another 9 oops, I couldn't stop they brought me so much happiness. I would buy or be given ex race horses and I would train them with the help of Adrian, the man who taught me to ride. I would then sell them onto homes that they were suited for and give them a life after racing.
I did this for a while after leaving real estate, it gave me a sense of purpose and I LOVED it.
Horse riding did amazing things for my mental health and you could say saved me at that point in my life.
Chapter 4. Healing and Falling
Finally, I had left the real estate industry! What a relief that was and to celebrate my Fiance booked us a weekend away at my favourite place in the world, Kiama.
It was like my body finally knew it could relax because I was so sick with a virus but it didnt bother me, I was happy to lay on the couch and just relax, for the first time in four years my brain could relax and truly have nothing to worry about, except the exciting fact that I could now plan our wedding!
I very obviously was suffering from anxiety again so I decided not to apply for another job and look after my mental health for a little while, many people questioned this so I covered by telling people my fiance needed assistance with the business he was running, while this was partly true it definitely wasn't enough to carry the both of us through the life we lived and to be honest at this stage it didn't matter, to both of us my happiness meant more, and for now I was happy and that provided more relief to us then money ever could.
So there I was, working minimally from home basically just enough to get by but certainly not adding any value to the business, I was happily planning a wedding and on the 3rd of March 2018 I married Conner Deck and became Mrs Riley Deck, again one of the best days of my life.
After the wedding unfortunately was my next slip, my mum returned to France, and I went from planning a wedding to having all of my family and friends around me to sitting at home wondering what to do next.. and I did nothing. I sat at home with my thoughts and let myself believe anxiety was me and that it would never change because how many times had I gone back and forth with it. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me so I just let myself get swallowed into that deep dark hole.
Conner worked his butt off supporting us for the remainder of 2018, not only did he support me financially but he carried our household payments, our animals (dogs, cats, horses), and most importantly he cared for me and he picked me up time after time without hesitation or complaint. Conner was the glue between my feet and this world, he kept me here.
Unfortunately we got to a point that Conner's income wasn't enough and we let debt get the better of us and before we knew it we were in crippling debt, it was here I noticed Conner's mental health declining and for the very first time in my life I knew I needed help. Firstly I decided we needed help with our money, and figured once we were on top of our money my mental health would incline so from there we approached Conner's dad and step mother, two people we absolutely idolise, especially when it comes to budgeting, money and their way of living life. We knew they were the people to ask because we wanted to follow in their footsteps.
When we asked Conner's parents for help, I assumed we would sit down and talk finances and discuss a plan to get our money back on track, well I was wrong. It seemed that as much as I thought I could hide this hideous anxiety and depression that was me, those around me knew something wasn't right and when the question came up that everyone wanted to ask and rarely did, I broke down.
Riley, why don't you have a job? usually I would say "Conner needed help, it was better for the business" but this time, I could see the pain in Conner's eyes and I knew that wasn't the answer they wanted so I answered truthfully, my words "Because when I sit down to write my resume I cry, and when I look on seek I shake with anxiety" the tears came and the truths started flowing about how unhappy I was and how I wanted to do more but could not physically bring myself to do more.
Chapter 5. Turning Point
It was at this point that I realised I had just made one of the best decisions of my life, something I had never done before and that was speak up, I didn't need to ask for help with my mental health I just needed to speak and once I spoke I immediately felt relief, I felt understood and this was huge. Lisa, Conner's step mother would handle the financial side of things and Conner's dad Peter said he would stick alongside me with my mental health.
That very day, Peter got me in contact with a psychiatrist and supported me through my appointments and offered to drive me to appointments, just to get me out of the house and in the door. Peter invested time into me and that made me motivated to seek help because if someone else was willing to put time into me then I needed to do the same.
My first appointment was the day my life turned around and I support that comment now, two years later and I hope forever. I went in, extremely nervous but from the second I stepped inside I felt comfortable, I was offered tea and sat on a comfy couch in a room that felt like a cool cafe, I was relaxed and my psychiatrist was fun and quirky, she read me straight away and could tell I had a no bullshit approach to life, I told her I wanted to know what was wrong with me and wasn't really interested in talking about my feelings. She explained neuroplasticity to me, something I am now super passionate about and will talk about in a later blog.
I had a total of 6 appointments with my psychiatrist, and they went from once a week for three weeks to once a fortnight and after that I felt confident that I could use the practices she had taught me about and change my life. That little women inside of me was back and determined to change not only for myself but for Conner, Peter, Lisa, my mum and dad, Conner's mum and his brothers and sister, my brother and my family and my friends. I needed to change my life because I have a huge family that love me and hurt seeing me not happy.
Today, two years later I sit in my home office writing this blog, smiling. I am still incredibly happy, the happiest I have ever been. I have lost 10 kilos and gained muscle, I am healthy and fit. I work for our personal training business, I do support work and I study accounting, I am also about to start my personal training certificate to become qualified to train.
We are almost debt free, minus the mortgage however we are in front of the game and will be sitting pretty in the next few years if we keep working the way we know how too.
I started this blog because I want people to know it gets better and I want you to follow me on my journey, I am excited for 2020 and the years to follow.
Please always know there is someone out there to help, I am always here whether we know each other or not, please reach out. I am and always will be here to support you.
Love Riles x